Next was my wedding gown. Before I putit away, I held it up in front of my body and remembered howradiant I had looked yesterday while wearing it as the bride.After a few minutes of this daydreaming, I sadly put it in itsprotective bag. Hopefully, it would be worn again, not only byany future daughter(s) we might have but maybe I would wear itagain on one or more of our anniversaries. Lastly, I picked up my veil and gently placed it on myhead. The memories of yesterday really came flooding back. I wasso lost in my reverie that I did not hear or see Karen get upout of bed until I suddenly felt her hands caressing my bottomthrough the silkiness of my nightgown. "A penny for yourthought, my love," said Karen. I turned toward her and weembraced, each of us caressing the other's bottom through thesilkiness of our respective nightgowns. "I was just reflectingon all of the happy memories that we made yesterday. As I pickedup my veil, I just had to put it on again," I said. Our. ’ ‘Nothing?’ ‘Well, I don’t know how to put it. I guess I just don’t think about it much anymore,’ I said. There was more to it, but I didn’t want to burden this girl with it. I didn’t want to tell her that I found the idea of eternal life, no matter the destination, to be a truly horrible idea. That I preferred the idea of death being the end of my conscious existence. A fade to black, and then nothing. For a long time, I didn’t think that way. When I was in high school, I used to do what she was doing: walking through the neighborhoods around the church, engaging strangers in conversations about God and faith and heaven and all of that. But twenty-five years later, after several online affairs, a few real-life ones, and a sexual harrassment scandal at work, I wasn’t sure that heaven, even if it existed, was ever my true destination. I had done bad things and paid for it with my marriage and my sense of pride. I was now broken, lonely, and financially ruined, and I had no one to.
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